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Thread: Words Of Wisdom

  1. #1
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    Words Of Wisdom

    Words of Wisdom

    1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
    3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
    13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
    17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
    21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
    22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
    28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
    29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
    30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    31. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  2. #2
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    haha, Very nice

  3. #3
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    wow, this was great. i laughed most at # 20.

  4. #4
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    27 is Obama, during his rallies for pres. :lol: :lol: :lol: Now we are in hell and I didn't want to go in the first place. :evil:

  5. #5
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    Those where priceless ahaha ;D made my day

  6. #6
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    lmao couldnt stop laughing! Good ones. :lol:

  7. #7
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    ....here's a couple that I am sharing from the infamous Seabreezenews.com local newspaper! Published in San Leon, Texas - a small drinking community with a large fishing problem.

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
    The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts.
    We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
    The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
    The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
    The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
    His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
    The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"


    A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
    The father and son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
    "What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
    "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father.
    Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
    The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
    They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

    The father looks at his son and says "Quick Boy! Go get your Maw !"

    .....and lastly....

    One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
    The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk!
    They taste like s**t."

    The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."



  8. #8
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    I liked the first one the most. Lawyer got his eyes whooped

  9. #9
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    ...and of course we can't forget the words of wisdom that Steve freely gives to his readers when they need some advice.

    Dear Steve,
    The other day my wife made a statement. She said, “I need to take better care of all her needs.” I asked her what does she mean, and she said “figure it out”.
    Steve, what does take care of all of her needs mean?

    Signed Bob, in League City

    Dear Bob,
    I take care of all of my old lady’s needs. I make sure that she has plenty of pots and pans to cook my supper. I make sure she has all the modern kitchen appliances.
    I make sure that she has a good working washer and dryer to take care of
    all of my clothes. I see to it that she has a hoe, rake, weed eater and lawnmower so she can take care of the yard. I make sure she has a sturdy broom and a decent mop. I also make sure she has a sharp knife to filet my fish. These are all the things a woman needs, Bob, and it is your job as a man to make sure she has everything she needs.

    Dear Steve,
    I am a 28 year old married woman. My father passed away two years ago and my mother is not in good health. I go over to her house every two weeks and mow her grass and clean out the flower beds. Last Saturday, I pulled on the lawnmower for 15 minutes and it would not start. It had plenty of gas. I tried to call my husband, but no answer. I drove back home and my husband‘s cell was on the table and his truck was in the driveway. I walked out back and heard him next door over the fence. He was in the neighbor’s above ground pool with my neighbor, Linda. As I stood there my husband kissed her deeply and his hands were all over
    her under her bathing suit. I went back out front and honked the horn on my car. My husband walked over and said he was just cooling off next door and acted as if nothing ever happened. Steve, what should I do about this problem?
    Signed, Distraught in ****inson

    Dear Distraught,
    Clean your gas filter and change out your spark plug. That should solve your problem.







  10. #10
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    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

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