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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Joke Thread

    Add a joke
    If you've gotten a joke via email that has >> please go to Mr. Eds bracket stripper to remove >>


    If men would just listen

    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road.
    They pass each other.
    The woman yells out the window, PIG!
    Man yells out window, BITCH!
    Man rounds next curve.
    Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

    Thought For the Day:
    If men would just listen




    Helicopter Ride
    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

    Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars-- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

    Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


    Have Ya Ever Wondered?
    =======================

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
    why is there a song about him?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
    squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's
    butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

    Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
    horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
    They're both dogs!

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it
    doesn't work anymore?

    If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products,
    why didn't he just buy dinner?

    Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

    Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the
    shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

    Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?

    Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

    And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my.
    Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

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    What Hallmark doesn't print:

    What Hallmark doesn't print:

    1. So your daughter's a hooker,
    and it spoiled your day.
    Look at the bright side,
    it's really good pay.

    2. My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat.
    When I looked at the tire...
    I noticed your cat.
    Sorry!

    3. Heard your wife left you,
    How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it...
    She moved in with me.

    4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder?
    What the heck was I thinking?

    5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.

    6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
    Have such an ugly baby?

    7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you ...
    I've changed my mind.

    8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
    I never believed in Hell till I met you.

    9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.

    10. Congratulations on your promotion.
    Before you go ...
    would you like to take this knife out of my back?
    You'll probably need it again.

    11. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

    12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
    Almost Lifelike!

    13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

    14. We have been friends for a very long time ... what do you
    say we stop?

    15. I'm so miserable without you ...
    it's almost like you're here.

    16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?

    17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
    So we're having you put to sleep.

    18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and
    West Virginia)

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    For the ladies

    For the ladies

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went though so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

    I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He rose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and packed up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

    You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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    Menopause and Light Bulbs

    Menopause and Light Bulbs

    Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in
    this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
    bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
    figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
    find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
    for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
    them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID
    light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD
    BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER
    CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
    FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
    IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

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    Why I Got Fired !

    Why I Got Fired !

    For the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.





    I was fired for ordering the cups.


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    Were you really?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrGiggles01
    Were you really?

    :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

  8. #8
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    who lives in a pineapple under the Sea?

    nobody now thanks to BP!!!


    I know its korny but its all I have atm

  9. #9
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    101 Ways To Annoy People

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

    27. Wear a special hip holster for your
    remote control.

    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    34. Drum on every available surface.

    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
    into peoples backpacks.

    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    41. Set alarms for random times.

    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    45. Honk and wave to strangers.

    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

    49. Wear your pants backwards.

    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

    53. only type in lowercase.

    54. dont use any punctuation either

    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    73. Drive half a block.

    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    75. Ask people what gender they are.

    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    **. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    88. Sing along at the opera.

    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
    about "psychological profiles."

    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    96. Never make eye contact.

    97. Never break eye contact.

    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

  10. #10
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    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    ....gonna have to remember that one Snuke!! 8)

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