The Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, the nurse says
"Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."
HARD TO ARGUE WITH THIS LOGIC!
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong...
A year or two after giving birth, some women will say "It would be nice to
have another baby!"
No matter how long after, you'll never hear a guy say, "I would like
another kick in the nuts!"
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The
old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange
occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that
he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight
to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed
be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."
An entire crew of a B-29 -- 12 aviators -- was rescued by a US submarine after their plane was shot down in 1945, 70 miles off the coast of Japan. The entire rescue was filmed in color video, but sat in a guy's closet until now.
This is a story from a Denver TV station of one of those rescued aviators to whom the video was delivered. It also shows their transfer to another submarine that is likely headed back to port before the one that accomplished the rescue."
Can you imagine 65 years AFTER your own rescue,
you get to watch it on film?
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
And yes most of this is in all CAPS, but that is the way that I received it and I am too lazy to retype it all. :roll:
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”